Broken Sanity

K, so here’s the scenerio:

Friend 1 pulls a joke on Friend 2. Friend 2 over-reacts and stops talking to Friend 1. Friend 1 begins to go on and on about how Friend 2 is being ridiculous for not being able to take a joke. They stop talking for a little over a month and then things become good again between them.

Then tonight, I pulled a joke on Friend 1, and now Friend 1 is being the ridiculous one not talking to me because they apparently can’t handle a joke.

Hypocritical much?

Is it truly possible for someone to change who they are?

For the longest time, I did believe that I had actually changed for the better, but all it takes is for one person who barely knows me to point out what everyone else has told me before, and everything I believed came crashing down around me.

And now, I don’t know what to think.

I see what they say, and I know they’re right, so now where do I go from here?

How does one change when they truly did believe they’d changed before?

And with hope finally back in my life, how can I be comfortable allowing myself to be happy again if all I ever do is destroy everything good that ever happens to me?

I truly wish I had that tattoo now, because I would love to look at it every day for the inspiration I need…

“All I Wish Is To Dream Again…”

So, apparently being honest with someone about how you feel has become a bad thing.

At least, in my world it has.

Like, if you care about someone enough to think them one of the most important people in your life; if they’re always there when you need them; if you’re always there for them - then what’s the big deal, right?

You don’t use words like “best friend” lightly, and I have several friends I consider my best friends, but apparently telling someone I consider them to be a “best friend” is not a good idea.

And yes, I know we said we weren’t going to be as close because we’re tired of the past repeating itself, but we have grown closer than we agreed on, and I for one am not about to make a big deal out of it because if we can actually be close friends without always being at each other’s throats, then why should we complain?

I’ve wanted to go back to the way things were between us in grade 11 for so long, and now it finally feels right. So why ruin it? Why threaten to push me away when that is one of the things I fear most?

I just don’t get it anymore…

For once, I don’t know what to say…

Last night really threw me for a loop. Like, I have feelings for someone, and they don’t know it yet, and I’m not even sure if I’m going to tell them. But last night, I saw someone… I saw my ex… and seeing them really confused my thoughts.

Like…. GAHHHHH!

Help?

First off, let me inform everyone reading this that I can be a highly opinionated person sometimes, and when I find something that sets me off, it REALLY gets me going.

Flipping through a magazine today, and I see something that says:

“Some scholars believe that capitalization at the beginnig of a setence may vanish because the informality of e-mailing and texting has made grammatical incorrectness more acceptable.”

THE NERVE!

The English language is a beautiful thing, and as a reader and an aspiring writer, I believe that the idea of degrading the English language is blasphemous!

I mean, yes, I do understand that not using capitals and punctuation has become acceptable in e-mailing, chatting online and texting and all that jazz, but really, the idea of setences not beginnig with capitals in things like magazines, books, etc. is ridiculous.

Why on earth sould a more acceptable informality become the new standard for the way we as humans express ourselves in literature. As I mentioned above, I am an aspiring writer, and the idea of starting setences in things I write without capitals or without using punctuation makes me sick to my stomach.

You can even ask my friends - when I write emails, then I’m on MSN, or when I’m texting - every sentence that I send has GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION and CAPITALS! The idea of a world without these things is the idea of a world gone mad.

Writing, language, literature - these things matter! And the idea of changing the way things are now, and have been for a very, very long time is absolutely absurd.

Can you imagine if I applied for a job at a professional newspaper or magazine or something in a few years time, and someone else applies with me - and all of my stuff is neat, proper and as it should be, and their’s has no capitals, grammar or anything like that - and if they got the job over me… I swear I’d be sick. I’d probably go throw myself off a building or go work in some dead-end-going-nowhere job for the rest of my life just so I don’t have to bring myself to face a world where cHaTsPeAk has taken over.

Ugh!

I can’t help but wonder - is there any way to control one’s heart?

I mean, my heart is leaning towards happiness… but I don’t know if it’s a direction I shoud be going in.

What if they don’t feel the same?

Like… GAH!

Why does love have to be so… COMPLICATED?!

I look silently at an empty page.

Empty except for the title on the top.

And that title reads “My Future”.

For as of right now, it is surely blank.

Yet, I know of one thing I would like to write there.

“University of King’s College - Four-year Bachelor of Journalism Honours”.

There’s only one problem… money.

The tuition’s quite crazy:

BJH 1st Yr $7,364.00
BJH 2nd Yr $7,140.00
BJH 3rd Yr $8,094.00
BJH 4th Yr $8,076.00

Another issue is, even if I could come up with tuition money, U of Kings is a five hour’s drive away. Which would involve moving away.

But, if I go, where would I stay? I doubt I’d be able to afford residence on top of tuition and books. GAH!

And like.. I’ve been trying to avoid student loans as much as possible, but I’m starting to think that $40, 000+ in student loans might be necessary in order to achieve my dream of becoming a writer.

I just… don’t know what to do.

Nor do I know where to turn.

Again, GAH!

Love SUCKS!

Talking to a friend of mine online for the past couple of nights, and they’ve told me both nights that they think me to be “unreal”.

And yet, I can’t help but wonder - if I’m as unreal as they make me out to be, why has no one else noticed? Why is it that everyone I have feelings for doesn’t return them?

And yet, one person has the nerve to call me shallow, when that is the last thing on earth I am.

Like, yes, I know there are some people out there who do have feelings for me, but I don’t return their feelings and I can’t FORCE myself to love someone.

The best I can do is just cross my fingers and hope that someday soon, someone I have feelings for will realize I’m as “unreal” as I’m told I am, and hopefully then I can be happy.

Resentful.

re·sent·ful [ri-zent-fuhl] – adjective - full of or marked by resentment

Resentment.

re·sent·ment [ri-zent-muhnt] – noun - the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult

Synonyms of resentment.

acrimony, anger, animosity, animus, bitterness, choler, displeasure, dudgeon, grudge, hate, hatred, hostility, huff, indignation, irascibility, jaundice, malice, malignity, offense, pique, prejudice, rancor, spite, temper, umbrage, vexation

As hard as this may sound, I can easily identify the resentment in my life, but I can’t bring myself to come face-to-face with its cause…

With each and every single tear I cry, I cannot help but wonder, does happiness even exist anymore?

Not just in my own life, but in the lives of others too.

One of my friends seems to feel like everything that can go wrong is going wrong, and now they believe that alcohol is the only thing they have going for them anymore.

Another is falling hard for a boy and doesn’t know how to explain their feelings to someone who is pretty much unaffected by emotion.

And, of course, there’s always the main event, the centre ring - the soap opera that is my life…

Happiness, to some extent, does exist in my life - I’m happy with my family, I’m happy with my friends, and if I’m lucky, I’m sometimes happy with myself.

But that’s it.

Words cannot describe just what I’m going through right now. I haven’t even talked to a single soul about this because I don’t think there’s anyone out there - as much as I love my family and friends - who can help me. Even the people I would trust with my entire life are too difficult to turn to because I can’t talk to someone who’s involved in the whole situation, and, as much as I want to, I don’t think I can talk to anyone who doesn’t really care - anyone who thinks I should have buried this and left it buried long ago. Because deep down, I know that some people believe I’m making a mistake by trying this again, and part of me thinks I am too, but in the end, that which makes you happy is worth it, right? I just hope that when the end comes, I will be happy…